lonely campus podcast

Episode 2: lonely campus podcast with Trinity Jennings-Pagan

00:09
Mary Grace Almandrez Hi, I'm Mary Grace Almandrez, the Vice President for Diversity and Inclusion. Welcome to the lonely campus podcast as presented by the Office of Diversity and Inclusion. This show is hosted by our administrative fellow Amy Messersmith. And features students just like you who share stories about the challenges and triumphs that come with trying to find your place on Syracuse University's campus.

Amy Messersmith 00:39
Everybody this is Amy Mazur Smith. I'm one of the Associate Directors and H GOP and SSS here at Syracuse University. And I am also one of the administrative fellows for the Office of Diversity and Inclusion. And so my proposed project is a pop up podcasting studio. And so I am popping up today at 119 Euclid and I'm super excited to be talking with students about their experiences on campus. The name of this podcast is lonely campus. And so I'm interested in hearing student's stories about what it's like to find their way here at Syracuse. And so, today I am here with Trinity Jennings Paragon, and I'm super excited to have this conversation. Welcome, Trinity.

Trinity Jennings Pagan 01:22
Hi, everyone. Thank you for having me. I'm really excited.

Amy Messersmith 01:26
Do you mind starting off just sharing a little bit about maybe your hometown? What school what college you're in? Maybe what your major is?

Trinity Jennings Pagan 01:34
Okie dokie. So I'm from New York City. I'm from Staten Island. So people are gonna debate whether or not that's actually New York City, but it's fine. I, I spend a lot of time and like all the boroughs. I am in the College of Arts and Sciences. Currently, my major is environmental science, but we'll see how that goes.

Amy Messersmith 01:52
You're in your first year at Syracuse, do you mind taking us to your decision process and how you ended up deciding to come to su in the first place?

Trinity Jennings Pagan 02:03
I love the story. Okay, so I did not really know that su existed, I'm going to be like completely. So my whole college experience, like I had maybe like two schools that I genuinely wanted to go to. So my college counselor and like one of my favorite people on this planet, she's like, girl, you need to be realistic and well like actually, she did say that but she ended up like applying to like schools for me she like I'm doing it for you. So as he was on the list, and I did not pay any attention. And then I got like an email saying that like I got I think it was SSS right and I'm like, and so she comes into like one of my office hours and she's like, you need to do this right now like if they asked for you to cut your left finger off you need to do it that I'm like okay, so then I like went through the whole process and then I got in but it was a I didn't expect to be here at all and my best friend she wanted to come here so like still I but I didn't know what SU was so I didn't pay any attention. So then she never ended up applying because it costs to go here and so then I ended up getting in and the kicker of this story is that like you can get the more in depth story on ABC because we had like ABC covering like our whole college application experience but yeah, that's kind of how I got here on accident but I'm very happy to be here you stumbled into us I did it fell into my lap I had it was it between the school and another school and I did like the pros and cons or like the I weighed it and like su had so many like like good attributes about it that really spoke to me and who I am so that's why I'm

Amy Messersmith 03:42
here before you came what did you imagine college to be like?

Trinity Jennings Pagan 03:46
So I have a thing where like I don't set expectations for really anything like I don't I don't really like anticipate necessarily like what it's going to be like who my friends gonna be what is it like what is it I don't I don't even you don't go there now when it came to like even like summer star what that was going to be like I had no expectations I didn't know what it was going to be like what I got was what I got it

Amy Messersmith 04:09
is what it is a blank slate

Trinity Jennings Pagan 04:10
blank. Yeah,

Amy Messersmith 04:12
keeping all the doors open.

Trinity Jennings Pagan 04:14
Yes every door open no ceilings. That's why I'm

Amy Messersmith 04:18
to mind sharing a little bit about your moving experience. And we can talk about Summer Start and or fall or we can focus on one but just kind of going through what your first few days on campus are like,

Trinity Jennings Pagan 04:33
it's so funny, because I feel like the same thing happened twice. Yeah, like a little bit differently. But essentially, it's the same thing. So I had no break between high school and college. It was just like that restart immediately. So there was that when I initially you know occupies space. I'm very shy like I'm quiet. I'm not going to talk much just I don't know like I observe Yes, I think I was unintentional but For but now I know that I'm like I'm observing. So when I first I gotta get a feel for the lay of the land, I gotta get a feel of it. How do I fit in this puzzle? Like, what is my role? So like, when I came here for summer star, I was very quiet. But it's also hard for me to make friends in the beginning, which is so weird because by the end of my experience here at SU, trust that I will know everybody, and everybody's gonna know Trinity. I have a nickname for everybody. And I'm gonna know everybody. When I first started off at a place, I am quiet. Who the heck is that? Girl? So if you've noticed that she's around, because I'm so quiet. So yeah, my first couple of days, at some restart. I was like, depressed and miserable. Only because so funny. The session off, I was kind of sad. I did have like two friends. But like, they weren't like my people. Right? And I think that's a common experience, right? Like, where, yeah, you have people around, but they're not like, your people. So like, I had like these two friends. They're amazing. I love them. But um, I like would see like, different groups of people. And like, those are my people, like, I would hang out with them. How

Amy Messersmith 06:04
do I infiltrate? Yes,

Trinity Jennings Pagan 06:06
I remember journaling, like I really got into journaling during the summer. And now it is my I always have a form of journaling. So whether it was music, or whatever, but during Summer Start, like I would write like my day, like what was going on. So it wasn't until like maybe day three, or four, which is like definitely four days. But it felt a lot like a lot when it's a literal, literal, lonely campus. And like nothing is going on. And so it's just like, we're all on one roof. And I'm like a very, very social person. So I was like, in my room, like, I was just observing. And I'm just like, some of the people that I will be like, are like my friends now. So it was just like, a lot of like observing. And then the same thing happened in the fall, but just a little bit differently. Because this time, and I think it's what makes like SSS in a GOP so important. We all knew each other. So when we came back on campus, even people that I promise you, I didn't even know they knew I existed, like, I did not talk to them. I'm walking down Marshall street, I get a hug from everybody. I'm just like, What is going on. But it became like a, like, we all know each other sort of thing. But still, for whatever reason, I kind of found myself like, not really by myself. But it was just like learning new people kind of all over again. But this time, you kind of have like a safety net. So like now, we're going out like the first like Welcome Week. And I know people like I'm fine. Like I feel way better. But I still had that like an experience that was like uncomfortable that first week, it just felt very different, rather than being in the same building with all your friends that are kind of spread out. So the dynamics change we have I like to call people characters. So we have like new characters coming into the chat. It made it for like an interesting dynamic. And it also made things a little hard for me, but like a lot of realizations, but I'm way better now. But it was just really interesting to see like how like dynamics kind of change, which is so human and so normal, but it was still like a learning curve, you know? So, volts times my experience ended up being very lonely for like, the first kind of moment, and then I find my way, but I think that's everyone, like eventually find your way. Some people find it faster than others. Some people like don't find it, kind of like at all in this space. But it's all it's all normal. Like, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. But yeah, I was lonely, like bad. And and not loving, and not want to be here. But it's fine. I'm happy now.

Amy Messersmith 08:27
Do you mind and to whatever degree you're comfortable sharing, like describing what loneliness means to you, or what it felt like to you?

Trinity Jennings Pagan 08:37
I like that question. Let me think I'll start with the Summer Start one because that one was like, kind of more direct. My feeling during the fall at the beginning of the fall semester is like, way more complicated. And because I had people and I still felt kind of alone a little bit. So during like for Summer Start, the feeling was more like I see people that I could be like cool with or people who do kind of understand me like culturally I guess, and socially, but I'm with people who don't. If that makes sense.

Amy Messersmith 09:12
That is so I'm so excited. It's not the word. That's not the right word. But I know that just that you're you're naming it because I think that's so true. Yeah,

Trinity Jennings Pagan 09:23
like when I tell you like there was I don't have my book with me. But I literally journaled about it like in depth like exactly how I felt unlike and I told us to the friends that I had at the time I'm like, I love y'all like y'all are amazing, but I'm seeing there's like a tick tock thing is like I'm hearing my people but I'm not seeing my people type thing. But it was literally that like I'm seeing like all these people who like from the no one's from like the same country as me, like one of my countries, but like, that's that group or whatever. I'm like, I know that song. Or it was like it's so it's so funny. It's so small. It's a little but it's like it was so like I'm like like You know, like when they're right there. And it's like, now I know all of that, but it's just like, at the time, I was, I felt so like disconnected. And that's something that like, I never necessarily felt before. I never felt like that, where it's like, I wasn't around, like my people type thing, especially when like SSS na GOP is like, primarily like black and brown people. And for whatever reason, that's not who I was hanging with. But it was more so like a thing where I'm like this a lot, which is I'm rocking with whoever's rocking with me. So whoever is supposed to be first on the elevator that I'm gonna talk to, because I don't like, when I'm just coming to a place. It's really just whoever kind of extends their hand at me. And I'll take cuz I love everyone and anyone. So that that's a good quality. Yeah, yeah, I, one of my favorite things like about myself is that like, I can become friends with literally anybody, like your background doesn't matter. But I never felt like I wasn't a part of my own like, group. And I felt like that like the first couple of days at, like, for Summer Start, I felt that for like, the first couple of days, I felt so like, isolated. And like, it felt horrible. So I remember like, FaceTiming my friends. I'm like, guys, like, I'm seeing my people, but I'm not with my people. And they're like, girl just loads off of them. I'm like, Yeah, you're out your mind. Like, I'm not doing that. But

Amy Messersmith 11:20
do you mind going into how you manage to make introductions and

Trinity Jennings Pagan 11:27
this is going to be so funny. Okay, basically, it kind of started gradually, like, it's going to be like, it's gonna be so random. What was that class that we had to take? It was kind of like cls 100. Yes. Okay. I'm in that class. So anyone who knows you, they're gonna laugh about this. Or like, new pre college. I used to be Ashley, like, all the time, right? Like my hands or whatever. This is so random. I know. So like, I have like, so now like, I have a thing where I keep lotion with me, no matter where I go, like, you will never catch me lacking. So I'm in class, and I'm putting lotion on my hands or whatever. The girl next to me. She cut me off motion. Like girl. Yeah, because honestly, like I, I said, basically, I just said just now. And then we became friends. And it was like, so simple, right? And then she lived across from me. So I think one night, they were all like playing like random games. And I just like looked out my door. And she's like, you want to come to like we're going. So then that's how I met her and her roommate there now like, all my clothes were like a really close friend group. And so then we're out there, and they're all playing like, what are we playing like, man hunt, or like, they're playing something at night. And I'm sitting there, of course, still shy. And that's the first time I ever interacted with like, anyone, right? So um, we're kicking or whatever everyone's like playing around, and we get back to like, earning the refer to Ernie. And then like, one of my friends he ends up talking to like, we ended up all talking that night. So it was like, my friend group kind of unfolded then. And it was so random. We just started talking about, I don't know, random things like high school, my senior trip, and I didn't think honestly, I didn't think that we were going to be friends much after that at all. But we became friends and we were friends. And a little friend group until the end of the summer.

Amy Messersmith 13:06
I'm just curious, did that conversation? Did it feel significant when it was happening? Or did it just feel casual? Like, could you tell some there was chemistry between the friends there that like there was something special there? Okay, or did that unfold?

Trinity Jennings Pagan 13:21
Great question. Okay, so with the first girl, when me and her met, I'm like, oh, man, that's gonna get along really great. Like, we didn't realize we ended up having like, a lot of like, commonalities and similarities. Like it's so weird. And then the whole friend group that same night, at first, we didn't know. But then at that same night, we went to someone else's room. And we ended up talking. And like, we were all so like, compatible. It was weird. Like, like, really deep conversations, like, really, really early on. And then it became like a family type of film more than like, just friends. Like still even like, we're not even like, we don't even all hang out at the same time together anymore. But like, it's genuinely like a family for all of us. And yeah, so we that night, like once we had like that long conversation. We were singing like Hamilton, it was weird. Um, but I think that was the best part like we and then our friend group like, aesthetically does not make sense. Like, it's so funny. Like, we like you don't like certain friend groups like, like, it makes sense that they all hang out with each other. My friend group I think it did, like we're just such an odd group of people, but it just it makes it like it works so well. It can either be like the most unserious conversation, or the most very serious, groundbreaking conversation where we're like arguing with each other. Because we have different plates, but we're a family. And that's when I stopped feeling so lonely. Here. Connection. Yeah. Like it's important for like anyone, everyone. I think there was also like, my counselor, that was another reason why I didn't feel as lonely here. That's another thing that contributed to like a sense of belonging and like comfortability, but it didn't happen overnight. Yeah, it took a minute, which really four days is not that long. But it felt like an eternity here.

Amy Messersmith 15:03
And if you don't mind talking a little bit about what it was like to have to come back to campus, because summer star is like, it's so intimate because you guys are living together, eating together taking classes together. Yeah, like you can't escape each other. And there's not a lot of other people on campus, like you said, it's literally a lonely campus at that point, because it's just, it's pretty empty. And so to have to come back in the fall, not only I mean, let's acknowledge that you just went through, you know, a six week summer bridge program where you're taking classes, it's pretty intense. And then you have to go home for 10 days, only 10 days and then come back for a full 15 week fall semester, which is I mean, that's a tough ask, but then you come back to a campus and it looks completely different. There's way more people Yeah. The composition of the campus is different. Yeah,

Trinity Jennings Pagan 15:54
Heck, yeah. Okay, so I like to keep it 100. Like, no matter what I'm talking about, there's a lot of white people and not in a bad way. Not in a bad way at all. But in like, in like, I'm from Staten Island. So yeah, but I think people this, this is the perfect time to get this out there. I'm from Staten Island. I don't know what y'all think that looks like it is still like not compared to the other boroughs. It is not as diverse. But at least where I lived on the island, there's the North Shore, there's Midland and there's South Shore, South Shore is very white. Midland is like still very white, but we got like different cultures there. But I lived on the North Shore. So that was very diverse in comparison to the rest of the borough, but it was like very, like centralized, very black, Latino, and brown, like, a lot of like Southeast Asians, like it was very diverse. So my experience was not that of like, you know, very suburbia, like it felt its own thing, but it definitely wasn't what y'all think it was. So with that being said, coming to SU, I was like I did experience being around a lot of white people. So that wasn't necessarily the biggest like, Oh, it wasn't like, Oh my God, it was much like, Oh my God, there's so many people like, and I'm from the city, like I can literally like walk the streets with like a million people next to me, literally, quite literally, like 1000s of people look around me. And it doesn't bother me that much. For whatever reason here. I was just like, What is this? I still say often? What is this? The first Game Day weekend? What is this? I was scared. It felt like a cold. I'm like I want to relive it was just so much orange. And granted, I was wearing orange too. But it was just like, I don't know. So coming back on campus, I was just my first reaction was like, oh, there's a lot of people. But of course, when I'm moving in, I'm gonna see people that I was in like, so to start with. So it didn't feel like completely, like, different. But I don't think anyone ever talks about this. The first group you come into the school with, you're not going to like leave people say that but but it's kind of different when it's like centralized like Summer Start. So like, of course, a lot of the Summer Start friendships are still there, I've been looking around trying to see like, which ones still standing, because it's interesting to see, like, what is going on here. But like even mine, I think a lot of it is just like, there's new characters, there's new dynamics, a lot of us, we're friends, and it's gonna hurt to say it, but like, I'm a real one. Friends because of proximity, right? Like, we're friends because that's what we have who we have, then there's other people that you might click with more, you have people that you went to the same high school with. So now they're coming here. And that kind of changes the dynamic. A lot of things right, a lot of different factors, we live far apart. So now you have to be intentional with the time that you take to be around your friends. So now we have different schedules, different times the coursework is very different. And so your relationships with people start to look different. And that's okay. It's just you have to learn that that's going to be a thing. And for me, it didn't really hurt my feelings. Oh no, I I have a weird thing with friendships definitely like a like a response to my experiences growing up but like I'm okay with people moving on. Like I'm okay with like not being friends the same people forever. And I just appreciate whatever time we did have. So like that dynamic like that first week was such an odd one. I also don't get like super attached people quickly. So like I had like a group that I hung out with that week. And it was just like then we were friends and it didn't bother me much. But it did like create like for like a very interesting like self growth moment. And it didn't make me feel lonely it well. I felt lonely in a good way. Like protecting my peace type of lonely and actually, I did like a prayer and this everyone's so this is a super powerful prayer and it but it genuinely is and if you pray like if you ask for it, whatever you believe in, if you want to manifest it, whatever. It's just a super powerful thing to speak into existence which is like if these people around me are for To me, let them go. So like, immediately after I prayed for that, they were gone. Like, just like that. And I was like, That was you get what you asked for. But then it created for like a kind of like an interesting dynamic within myself was being okay with being by myself. And I was like, I would walk this campus by myself, I still have my friends that I was like, super cool with. But just like what like with a group of people, I was out there by myself. And I felt so much peace. And then eventually, and I'm going to preach this because this is about finding your way on campus, that your people will find you like you will, like I had like a whole like self, I don't know journey, like for like maybe two weeks here. Just trying to figure out like out like, Okay, what am I going to get involved in? Who am I going to be around? What am I what is this going to look like? And I figured it out. And I'm still figuring it out. But like in a much it is just like way more healthy for me now. And I think personal reflection, I think when you first come to the to college for anyone, you want to hang out with people all the time. And it's because you think like these, I have to go out because these are when people become close. And this is like when they build experiences. And these are formative. And it's so important that I'm with these people now. But I don't think so I think like just whatever feels right for you. And your people will be there. Like, yeah,

Amy Messersmith 21:21
I think that's really interesting, because I think what ends up happening to a lot of students is that they get swept up into friend groups, and they don't have that opportunity to sit back and think are these people for me? Yeah, you know, who Who do I resonate with authentically. And you were able to have that space to make intentional decisions about it.

Trinity Jennings Pagan 21:42
Even now, I don't maybe I was always like this, but I'm not a friend, group girl, like, have friends. And I have or at least I have friends in different in different groups. Right. So like, I have some friends of yours over there. And so I just think that when you do it that way, you can be your most authentic self. We're multifaceted people. We have layers. Like I have friends for different things. Like I have friends that I can talk about business with, like really like career oriented friends, that I have friends, I can talk about, like literal like stupid stuff, like or I have friends that I can go out with and friends. Oh, that was I forgot. That was one reason why I felt very, very lonely. My first week, there was so much going on. But my friends are the stay inside type of friends. Well, some of my friends and I have more friends but like at the time, my two friends no all of them all of them just wanted to be inside. And I'm like What is wrong with you guys? So I was super lonely. There was a dirty and if you know you know, there was a dirty and of course, I wanted to be in attendance, my friends dinner. And I'm like, I'm not going to party by myself. Are you guys insane? So I slept in my outfit to I literally fell asleep. I'm like, and I still didn't get to wear that outfit. My outfits lonely, not just me like my outfits that because what the heck, like no, I can literally picture it right now my closet just sitting up so pretty. Anyways, wait, wait,

Amy Messersmith 23:01
what is it called? A

Trinity Jennings Pagan 23:03
dirty like a day party? So it's like outside. It's like not at night. But it was. And then till this day people like yeah, that was like one of the best parties of the year like Thank you. Thank you. Great to know, because I actually really wanted to go like there was another party before that I didn't go to and my friends, they just did not want to go. And I'm like, great. So I guess I'm not going right. There was a game. I love football. I'm a football girlie seasons almost over. But like I'm a football girly, more than basketball none of my friends gave to any things about football or anything like that. So again, it was like, Okay, I gotta find more people, but it wasn't. But I'm also not type person to go like look for people. So it just kind of happens organically. So now next year, you'll have fall friends. Yes, I do. I do now like I have friends. It is funny because I met them like after the fact. But I'm just like, that's fine. Three more years. Yes. Like there's so much time and no time at all. Like, no time is weird, but like still, we figured it out. But like, I my friends did not wanna go out. So I was lonely because of that. So I'm just like, I live right next to the dome. So I'm pissed. I'm like, here it Yes. Again, it was one of those feelings like I'm seeing like people but I'm I'm here my people but I'm not seeing my people. I'm not with my people. And I love football. So I was very, I was tight for lack of a better word. It's

Amy Messersmith 24:19
interesting. There's this pattern of like, what you want is kind of dangling. And then you just have to figure out how to

Trinity Jennings Pagan 24:27
get there. Oh, that's my life like all the time. So like I'm so comfortable now like with that feeling? Cuz I know that it's just like a part of there's a there's a thing on tick tock. Again, I'm like chronically online, but it's like Canon even really good. Like something that kind of like has to happen. Oh, that's mine. Like, like loneliness, discomfort. And then I know everybody and I'm fine. And I'm living my life and everyone else Trinity and I'll do an SU is so big. No one talks about this. But it's so small.

Amy Messersmith 24:53
That is an observation I've had to Yeah, is that yeah, it's huge, but certainly unities it makes the campus feel smaller.

Trinity Jennings Pagan 25:02
I'll say it out loud. I love. Okay, so me and my friend, we're going to start a podcast. So there's a term called HBCUs. Because it's so like the black community on an es su is so it's so big. It's so small. So it feels like one big fat New York City High School. Honestly, everyone's from New York. And I was like, are like I always have like a mutual like with someone. The high school I went to was not on Staten Island, it was in the city. So like, I had friends from every borough, which means that when I'm coming here, and there's people from the Bronx, Brooklyn, somehow we know something my friend wants to middle school with your friend, or my friend and you are friends, or just somehow two degrees of separation. Yes. Like always, always. There's always some sort of connection. And it's so weird. But yes, HBCUs somehow, like, I don't know you but like, I know you. So you went to the same high school someone like I know, I know all of you, but I don't or like even if I don't know your name, like I've seen you like a million times. And now now I'm gonna go figure out like who you are. Because like, I know, all these characters

Amy Messersmith 26:06
that that should be your podcast. HBC Cuse

Trinity Jennings Pagan 26:08
CUSE. Still that someone else? Somebody else have that? Oh, no, they don't have it. But they look, they look, he made it up. I asked her if I can feel it. But it's so it is so true. Like the school feels like a mini HBCU. And I didn't go to an HBCU for like, a couple of reasons. And I accidentally went to a mini one within a PWI. So yeah. Oh, no. As you just everyone knows everybody. And that's both a great thing. And that's

Amy Messersmith 26:40
interesting that you're realizing this. And it's November. Oh,

Trinity Jennings Pagan 26:44
I figured that out. Like I'm like, I was like, hold on. I know, I know all of you like, it's not just within my grade. That's that's how that's why I really figured it out. Also, like, I'll go to follow someone on Instagram. 78 Mutual's what? Like, why do I, I got scared, because there was someone that I had like five missions with, I'm like, You're not a real character. Really? Do you even really go here? Like, what is going on? Because everyone, somehow, if you're black and brown, you know each other. And I'm just like, Well, I'm a person removed from you. And it's just, it's amazing. It's beautiful. Like, if you look at it, like, in a very positive lens, it is so awesome that there's such a strong sense of community, right? I love that. But socially, it's just like, like, and then I also have, like, I am someone with like, social anxiety. Which are you, it's I told you, like, I'm such a, I call myself a divergent because I feel like I'm so like, everything everywhere, all at once. Or at least in the beginning. I'm a very nervous person. So like, I don't know, it just depends on like, who's around me. Because certain when I'm around certain people, I'm allowed to be stronger, or whatever. Like, I end up being strong for people. But like, if it was my choice, I would be a baby. So um, yeah, normally, I have so much anxiety. So like, even going into shine, I fake hate shine, I wouldn't even go into shine during the summer. I don't know why we didn't go there was no one there. Now, I will not walk in the shine by myself or without knowing that I'm walking into like to someone or a group of people. Shine gives me anxiety. And I always I always see people that I know. I can never like, you can't go somewhere in here at the school without seeing something running into someone you know. And I like sometimes I don't want any type of human interaction. So it's like kind of impossible. And like my friends. They hate me. Like, I'm like, can you walk with me? Like right here? Like, I don't know why I'm like this. I have gym. I are used to have gym anxiety. I have like social anxiety, like social spaces. At parties. I feel like that's the only thing is like I'm not as nervous or shy. I still am though. Like walking up to a party. I hate that. Like my friends. Like I always have to. I become mother. So like, I ended up like, okay, come on, we're leaving, or like, my four. Come along. Now here. So like, my social anxieties aren't like always present, but it's definitely there. I just I'm like that when I first enter a space,

Amy Messersmith 29:12
I think. I think that's not uncommon.

Trinity Jennings Pagan 29:14
I hope not. I mean, I think a lot of people are nervous. I feel like I even have it better than a lot of people because sometimes I just, I couldn't talk myself into like, just go just get over Lego. It's not that it's not that serious. Not that deep, just whatever. And

Amy Messersmith 29:26
it hasn't shrunk your world. Like you still it doesn't prevent you from Yeah,

Trinity Jennings Pagan 29:31
and that's a privilege because I think some people like for a lot of people. Like it's like, incapacitated, like they can't like I've been there but it's not like often right or I feel like that I can talk myself into like just letting go and like do what you got to do sort of thing. That's the school. It is you realize like it's not that serious. But it feels like it in the moment. It does and so like I give myself grace with that I'm like girl, you know, it's not that serious, but right now it feels so serious. So you kind of have to like deal with it, but I feel I have a lot of those moments here settling.

Amy Messersmith 30:02
But um, yeah, keeping that in mind, do you mind going into some of the specific steps that you took to figure out the spaces or places on campus where you recognize you were finding that sense of belonging or community? And how do you maintain those relationships?

Trinity Jennings Pagan 30:20
Oh, great question. So I feel like the easiest way for me to get involved initially with like, stuff that goes on, on this campus was like, culturally, right? So like, wherever the black or brown people were, that's where I was, it was just just like that, like, that's where I felt safest. Which is so weird. Because up until being here at SU, I never felt like I didn't belong in the space. And it's not necessarily that I feel like I don't belong in the space. Now. I just, I was talking to someone recently. I'm like, What does regulate what is like regular Su? Like, I'm doing air quotes. By the way, what does regular su look like? What is that dynamic? Because like, I'm so far removed from it, like, I'll see posts on like Syracuse, like barstool page, or whatever. And they're like, oh, going to Harry's. And I'm like, That is so not my experience. Like, it's different. And I think that's awesome. But like, I do keep sailing, I want to like explore different things. But like, initially, porn even right now, the parties that I go to the events that I go to, they're mostly like black and brown centered, which is amazing, because that's where I feel like the safest. But I do want to like venture off because, again, I went to I didn't go to HBCU for a reason. And one of those reasons was to be around different types of people. And I feel like I'm doing myself a disservice by not, but it's also just that experience of being at a predominantly white institution. And like, no matter how even like dance around it, it is what it is. And so like you had kind of just fall wherever you feel safest. And then also like, through the program, I met, like upperclassmen. And so of course, my first question like, Okay, what orgs are you part of like, right, so I kind of know where to fall, but I'm trying to like, I'm gonna say I'm trying to branch out like, I haven't tried yet, but I'm going to that is the plan to like be around different types of people. But it's also like, you only have so much time, right? But yeah, I think being here was the only time in my entire life where like I didn't, or I was uncomfortable, like in a space, I never feel uncomfortable in space. Like I'm such like an audacious person, when it comes to spaces, because you're not going to tell me I don't belong somewhere that I don't do. So like being here, I kind of felt it myself. Like no one said it, but it's just like

Amy Messersmith 32:24
with it in a particular type of space, like the residence halls or the classrooms and the dining halls? Or was it just kind of like a broad?

Trinity Jennings Pagan 32:33
Great question. Um, I would say, I think it was like a mechanism like me, and like a lot of other people kind of just, I think Loki kind of segregated ourselves. Also, we just kind of stayed with the people that we are, we were around from like Summer Start. And in that sense, it kind of had a certain demographic. So for those two reasons. And then when it was time to like, get involved, or there was any events going on, the only thing I knew about was whatever they knew about So eventually, it just became like, my whole world was like HBCUs. That's my whole experience. And this is not in a bad way. It just it became what it was. And of course, I know other people, like you just smile in the hallway, or be live in the same building. So you kind of wave or whatever it was, or there's there are people from some start who aren't like in the demographic. So like, I know that. And so when I see them, I kind of have like a mini outlet to that side of Su, but overall, I really don't. And then I was never like uncomfortable until certain classes. Interesting. Which is so weird, because I've just yeah, this season for me was a lot about observing. And just kind of figuring out when to say what I've been in. I've been in a space where learning to be silent, because I'm always outspoken. But I think there is so much power in silence. And and not saying something because whenever you do choose to speak people are like, What the heck does she have to say? Because she doesn't always say something. So, for me, certain classes were just really interesting to hear how certain people thought, like the way their minds work. Because yeah, I was around a lot of different groups of people, but mostly liberal, mostly like, you know, so it was still kind of an if and if they weren't, it was a small fraction. But here certain classes, of course, I'll have a lot to say. But it's just like my, my experience is obviously my culture and my race and my ethnic background plays a part into why I'm thinking what I think and clearly the reason why you're seeing what you're seeing is not and I feel like whenever when I start to speak, you're gonna hear it not because I'm also a very knowledgeable person in my like, I research situations and I'm, you know, you don't look at it that way. You're just like, Oh, she's saying this because she's black, like, type thing. So, and like I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just gonna listen and observe. Because I know you expect me to say something like I like it's funny, like when they when like a certain topic comes up, and the whole room kind of looks I'm like, Dang guys like who's to say I have an opinion? Of course I did. But like, Why do you think I haven't seen because you don't know me. So it's kind of that or like another class where it's just like the energy feels like off. So people say like, actions speak louder than words. But I think action speak words speak energies speak. I feel like, I'm multilingual when it comes to what people are telling me, like, you could tell me in different ways, and I'm gonna pay attention to everything. So it's like all those, like small things that are hard to describe. But they definitely made me feel like not that I don't belong or that I'm not accepted.

35:28
But you're aware of yeah,

35:32
definitely aware

Amy Messersmith 35:33
that this is a different learning environment.

Trinity Jennings Pagan 35:36
Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I think it's also like, it was kind of happenstance for like, everyone makes friends like different ways, right? Like some people when they first came here, okay, they got really involved with the people who were on their floor, right? Because for whatever reason, but because of like, I am a little Headstart Su, we were already I already was already comfortable, like in a different space. All that kind of affected how I was able to socialize with different people, and lack of socializing with different people, I'm gonna try to like, figure out how to integrate myself with the rest of what the campus looks like. Because I feel like, I feel like it's so interesting to know that we're all in the same place, we will have completely different experiences and views of what sto looks and feels like,

Amy Messersmith 36:19
I think, you know, to establish yourself, to get your bearings in this new environment to have kind of like a home base or an anchor on campus, like community, students, staff spaces where you feel like you do belong. From there, you've got a home base to kind of start bridging out and to come back to if necessary.

Trinity Jennings Pagan 36:40
Oh, that's, that's a really great point. I feel like that's, that is so important that I feel like there's definitely whoever out there like or hear but like, you know, out there feels like kind of what I felt like I'm seeing what people what I'm not like, like, and so like, I noticed that sometimes, like I'll loop people in, it's one of my favorite things to do once I'd like, grounded myself. Because like, once, it's kind of like what they see on the airplane, like, Okay, first put it out on yourself, and they can help other people. That's kind of how I feel here. Like, I get my footing. And then now it's like, charity is gonna invite everybody to everything. Do you know about this, or like, whatever or like, if I see someone who feels like a little like, like, they want to be involved with they, they're not, I'm gonna make sure you're like I'm gonna, that's kind of that ends up being my role, like every time, but it takes like some adjusting for myself at first.

Amy Messersmith 37:31
But that's really generous of you to observe and read the room and kind of notice students that could use a hand or acknowledgement or a kind smile.

37:40
Oh, my gosh, heavy on the kind smile. I don't know what's up with people where I'm from, where I'm originally from, because I think some of what I do is because I'm like, originally from the south. So it's just like, much friendlier people. If I see you once, or like, if we're like, in the same spaces, we can say hi to each other, because like, at this point, I know exactly who you are. And I know you know who I am. So why are we speaking but whatever. That's just, that's one of my pet peeves here. Just like we're all full, we print a party, your arm is touching my arm, like for 10 minutes, or for however long either way. We're in the same space. Yeah, we can't speak like, Hi. Right? So it's so annoying. But whatever. It's fine. I guess. Lastly,

Amy Messersmith 38:26
do you have any words of encouragement or advice you might have for incoming students, you know, coming Summer Start 2024 2025 or any student coming to campus who might be experiencing similar feelings of loneliness or isolation. And if you're comfortable, speak directly to them and share your wisdom.

Trinity Jennings Pagan 38:48
All right, well, first off, it's obviously easier said than done. But put yourself out there. I feel like when you're coming into new space, you can kind of become whoever you want to be. If for any reason you felt like you couldn't be that person you want to be before of course it's not gonna happen like, just like that. But you can start implementing little things like little changes and getting to know people also it's gonna happen organically. Be comfortable with being uncomfortable. So like knowing that you might not leave it the same people also don't set your expectations. I would say too early anything because anything can happen and you won't be disappointed like you can only be like pleasantly like surprised or like okay, and figure it out from there. Also reflect within yourself. What gets me personally through quite literally anything that I go through is retro introspection, and retrospection. Rightly looking at looking within myself, looking at what hand I have to play and whatever. Accountability is really important because you will never be let down by a situation if you can recognize how you played a role, even in things like I will find a way not in an unhealthy way but to place blame on myself. blame is such a loaded word. But like, take accountability within a situation that may seem like I have no wrongs in it, but I can recognize, okay, maybe I saw the signs earlier, maybe I should have removed myself a little bit earlier. Rather than waiting for whatever it is, I think, you know, recognizing your own problems and positive attributes, just knowing yourself is so important. And I think that, at least for me, and for some people that I know, coming into Summer Start was one of the best times to get to know yourself, especially with like, you'll, you'll see it like the vibe of the campus, it just, it really does allow for you to the weather's great, go out, walk around, get acquainted with all that Su has to offer because the school has a lot to offer. And social media will be like your best friend and knowing what's going on. So do your research. And that's another thing. Another reason why like I was able to, like, eventually get so comfortable it was because I already kind of knew certain things before coming here. Like certain clubs that existed, certain events that happened before, it would be so funny when I'm talking to like, upper class when they're like Dagara, you know, everything like thing like me, and some of my friends, like we would really like sit there and like kind of do our research to see what we wanted to be involved in. Also, you can't do everything, but just knowing that and like campus won't be lonely for long, like you will eventually find people to be around and then like also your people like people that you really connect with, and be okay with it not happening so soon, because that's normal. And it's not much. It's not that different from like high school or like middle school. It's like, we have these common themes like all throughout our lives, we're told that it's going to be so much different. It's it's not like even after college, you're going to feel the same thing in the workplace where you're going into a new job. And there's new people or characters as I like to call them. You kind of have to like figure out like, what part and what role you play. And that's okay. I think that's all I have to say, Trinity. It's

Amy Messersmith 41:50
been a pleasure. Thank you so much. I really appreciate this. All right. That's it. Goodbye, everybody.

Armando Martinez 42:10
Thank you for listening to this episode of The Lonely campus Podcast. I'm Armando Martinez, Director of inclusion and belonging. If you found this podcast helpful, let us know and feel free to share other ways we can make campus more welcoming and inclusive is all Thank you. Era era era